Terrifying transitions

I’ve talked a lot in my social media posts recently about transitions, and the difficult stages in between. In particular I’m talking about that liminal space that causes so much angst.

What do I mean by liminal space?

According to Verywellmind.com, the word liminal comes from the latin word ‘limen’, which means threshold. So in effect it means “to be on the precipice of something new but not quite there yet”.

Verywellmind also explain that there are three different types of liminal space - emotional, physical and metaphorical. The physical spaces are easy to understand. Hallways, airports, bridges and trains are all examples of physical liminal space. You are going from one point to another and the hallway, bridge or train is the transition between the two points.

Examples of emotional liminal spaces are divorce, moving, death of a loved one, graduation and illness. Moving is a great example here. You’ve sold your house but haven’t yet moved to your new house so you are in limbo while you wait. And you just want to get in to your new place! You can’t get it set up and you can’t settle in yet, you’re just waiting.

An example of a metaphorical liminal space is when you are vacillating between two ideas or two decisions. Verywellmind describe this is being like a trapeze, when you’ve jumped off one platform and are swinging through the air but have not yet landed on the next platform.

That terrifying space

Depending what situation you are in, these spaces can be absolutely terrifying. There can be immense uncertainty, and a feeling of being completely rudderless with a lack of clear direction. It can feel extremely unsafe in these areas or times. Fear rears its head and we begin catastrophising, thinking of every worst case scenario that could possibly happen.

Return to safety!

The temptation is to return to the known, because that feels safe and we know what we are getting. We may not be entirely happy there, but being unhappy in a comfortable space feels way better than having to face the vacuum of the unknown.

The problem is that we don’t learn anything when we play it safe. To grow and expand as human beings we need to push ourselves outside that comfort zone every now and then and experience new things. In fact, that’s what being human is all about - learning, growing, experiencing and expanding. It’s through the trials and tribulations that we really identify what is important to us, and we level up (as they say in online games).

However, even if we voluntarily make that jump into the unknown, it has to start with letting go of something. And this is what makes it terrifying. We have to completely let go of the old before we can bring in the new.

My transitional phase

I’m in a transitional and liminal phase at the moment, and it has been really challenging. To let go of all my safety and security has not been easy. It has taken a long time to slowly release the attachments to what was, without yet knowing anything of the future. And although I knew this is what I needed to do, actually doing it was much harder than it sounds.

All those attachments stuck to me like Velcro. It was really hard to let them go. I’d like to be more Teflon-like - so that things just come and go without causing me angst, but I’ve a way to go on that front! What I have learnt is that this transitional period takes time. It is not fast - at least not for me.

There have been many times when I’ve questioned my decisions, or questioned the way forward. Many times when I’ve sat and catastrophised to the point where I’ve taken myself really low and then found it hard to get out of that low point.

I now hope and believe I’m coming out of this transitional phase. There is still an enormous amount of unknown, fear and concern, but there is also an understanding of what I’ve been through and I am now clear on the best way forward for me. I guess that’s what this transition phase has given me - time to understand what I’ve needed to let go of, and then the time to gain clarity on what I need to move towards.

According to William Bridges, if we try to speed up the transition phase, or move too quickly through it because of the discomfort we are feeling, then we may well miss the whole point and learning of this period, and put ourselves firmly back in square one.

I’m determined not to do that. I want to learn, expand and grow from this time, even if it’s hard. I definitely do not want to go backwards.

Decisions and resolve

What I’m finding is that, because I have given myself the time to sit in this space and work through all the issues and catastrophising that has arisen, I now feel I have more strength, resilience, confidence and resolve in my way forward. I don’t know how it will all work out. I can’t see what the future looks like yet, but I have made a few decisions that will bring that future to me in whatever form it needs to take.

This is not to say I won’t doubt myself and my decisions in the future. That will happen, probably way more than I want it to, but I’ve had time in this transition to find out what I really need and to build the resolve and determination to bring that to fruition.

I’ve also been able to release attachments to people, places and outcomes. Sometimes the things we think we value are the things that hold us back. I understand now that my need for freedom and to be the controller of my own destiny is greater than my need for safety and security. In a funny way I’m almost excited about the lack of safety and security. Anything could happen - and I’m open to that.

You can’t force a seedling into a tree

I also now fully understand the importance of times of transition. Trying to force a seedling to speed grow into a tree will leave you with a tree that looks right, but doesn’t have the inner strength and foundation to be truly magnificent. Transition phases, difficult as they might seem, allow us to build solid foundations on which to grow and enter the next cycle.

As with anything, success is all in the preparation. And that’s what transitions are - preparation.

Keep moving

If you’ve let go of something and find yourself in that liminal space, that nothingness of in-between, keep moving through it. Keep looking ahead, knowing that you are preparing for something better. You are on the threshold. It will come, provided you do the work and have the courage to keep moving forwards rather than returning to the comfort and safety of what is behind you.

This time is not easy and it can be truly terrifying as our planned future dissolves before us with nothing to take its place. However it’s a time full of learning, growth and revelation as we journey through this space, releasing what no longer serves and understanding ourselves on a much deeper level. Only then can we call in what we truly want and deserve.

Karen