Standing in your power
When was the last time you said yes when you actually really wanted to say no? Or something was dumped on you that you really didn’t want to do?
The carer and nurturer
For women in particular, this is a common thing. We’ve been taught to be the carer, the nurturer, and to always look after everyone else’s needs before we look after our own. And we often do that by agreeing to things that we don’t really want to do, or simply being given a task for no other reason than we are a woman. We say we’ll do something because we feel we ought to or that someone else’s needs are greater than ours. Or we do it simply because it’s expected of us.
Judgement holds us back
One of the things that stops us from empowering ourselves is the judgement that we expect to come with saying no. We expect this judgement to come from those closest to us - our family and our friends. We ask ourselves “but what if they don’t like me any more?” or “everyone is expecting me to do it - what will they think if I don’t do it?”. We worry about the criticism we will face, the challenging conversations, the looks of displeasure that we will receive. We also worry about losing the connections and the friendships if we let people down.
Our own judgement of ourselves can be even harsher. Thoughts of “I’m not a good daughter/wife/mother/friend” go through our minds when we think about pushing back and saying no. Then we berate ourselves for how dreadful we are, how uncaring and unloving.
When we step into our power though, great things can happen. Life flows more easily, synchronicities take place, we are happier and therefore the people around us are happier. We have the ability to stand in our truth, but in a graceful way. Our confidence rises and we make better decisions.
Value who you are
Sometimes it’s simply about valuing who we are. For a long, long time, I saw myself as not really adding much value to those around me. I’m an introvert, although a reasonably outgoing one. I’ll only speak if I have something to say and I’m generally pretty accepting and non-judgemental. In this world of seemingly having to have strong opinions, great confidence and the ability to be heard above all others, I felt I was a bit of a wall flower. I’ve tended to accept others views over and above my own right since I was a child, believing they have more knowledge and experience than me.
What I’ve found, though, is that it’s because I’m quiet and calm, have a sense of peace, acceptance and am generally non-judgemental, people are attracted to me. My power lies in my quiet presence. It can be balm for the soul for those who are overwhelmed with the constant hustle, bustle and loudness of our very masculine society.
Standing in your power is about recognising your own individual qualities that hold you apart from others. We all have unique gifts, our own ways of ‘being’ or ‘doing’ and it’s through these gifts that we bring our light into the world.
You don’t have to be strong and aggressive
When I first started thinking about standing in my power, I thought I had to be strong, bold, aggressive and ‘out there’. I recoiled from the idea because it was just so not me! I’m an internaliser - I need to take information in and go away and think about it. Then, when I’ve formulated an opinion, I’ll come back to you. Unfortunately this makes winning an argument very difficult!
But you don’t have to be ‘out there’ or any of those other things. Standing in your power can simply begin by taking care of yourself first and foremost. In other words, put your own oxygen mask on first and take control of what directly affects you. My initial steps to standing in my power were taking radical self care steps to get myself back to a place of wellbeing and happiness. Now that I’m here, there are certain practices I simply will not give up - they are vital to my health and wellbeing. Previously, if I’d been questioned on the cost or validity of a practice, I would have stopped. Now it’s simply not an option to stop. This is me standing in my power.
Release the negative and bring in the positive
Releasing relationships from your life that no longer serve you is another way of standing in your power. We all have people in our lives that we’d really rather avoid, that drain our energy, or rile us up in some way. Some of these people we even call friends. If they are draining us or riling us up in this way, who do you think has the power in that relationship? I’m certainly not saying you have to be rude to them, or cut them out of your life in a dramatic and harmful way, but I am suggesting you look at the drain on your energy and how much you give away your power when you are around them.
If you are happy with this, then stick with it. If not, then maybe let the relationship gently fade away as you concentrate on drawing in new and more energising relationships into your life. If you can’t let the relationship fade away because they are a family member, or for some other reason, then set yourself some clear boundaries. What will you accept and what will you not? Make sure you stick to your boundaries as well but be compassionate with yourself when those boundaries are occasionally overstepped.
Find the right words
If we go back to the concept of saying yes when we really don’t want to, sometimes it’s just about finding the right words. My friend has a lovely way of saying no. She says “actually, that doesn’t work for me” and often there will be an explanation why, but not always! It’s a gentle and graceful way of standing in her power. An outright no can be too confronting for some people and they take offence and then defend or attack. Saying no gracefully lets everyone move on with more ease.
There are times, though, when ‘no’ should be used as a full sentence and you have every right to make that statement and be heard. It’s okay to say when we don’t agree or when we find something unfair. In fact it’s our right and our duty to the women who follow us to bring these things to others attention. And if the people around us judge us for that, then it simply shows they are not ready for the growth that this opportunity offers. Sometimes our own growth outstrips the growth of those around us. In those circumstances it’s your choice what you do with that - because the power lies with you.
Karen
