The garden I’ve inherited with my house has many delightful plants in it. Hollyhocks abound, wisteria climbs a tree, peony’s popped up in several places and daffodils and narcissus grace the lawn in springtime.

But there are also the not so nice plants that appear with monotonous regularity. In particular nettles and nightshade, but I’d add convulvulus to that list too.

Nettles

I’ve recently reseeded a patch of lawn that was previously garden. Prior to reseeding it, I pulled out hundreds of nettles, repeatedly, over many months. And whilst it’s wonderfully pleasing to see my new grass take hold (except where the rabbits have dug it up!), the most vibrant growth is the nettles.

I thought I had got rid of them, but no, they are still there in force. And I can’t pull them out because that will pull out the new and very tender grass shoots, so I can only watch them grow vigorously and look forward to the day I can pluck them out.

Nightshade

Nightshade is equally virulant. Everywhere I look in my garden, nightshade is growing, including in the lawn. Again, I’ve pulled out hundreds of plants, but it will be a continuous battle with both nettles and nightshade.

There is an element of acceptance that these plants will always be there, popping up wherever they can. I know I’ll never be fully rid of them and that I just need to keep weeding them out as much as possible.

Duality

So why are we talking gardens in a blog post that’s focussed on midlife and menopause, you might be wondering?

We currently live in a world of duality (although that is slowly changing - but that’s another topic altogether). Something is either good (flowers) or bad (weeds). In reality, they are all just plants. They are not good or bad but we’ve made a decision that they are either one or the other.

Put that into humans, and we have the side of ourselves that we present to the world (good) and the side that we keep hidden, even from our own consciousness at times (bad). Society has made some rules that indicate whether certain actions or emotions are acceptable or unacceptable.

Our shadow side

Some people call the side we don’t want to admit to our ‘shadow side’. Others say we have a light side and a dark side.

The shadow side is the part that holds all the emotions and behaviours we don’t want to admit to. The jealousy, resentment, greed, selfishness, anger, things we’ve done in the past we are now ashamed of. It also includes traits that we believe are unacceptable, like cruelty.

Perception

Often, it’s our perception of these parts of ourselves that make us feel that they are bad. For instance, anger in itself is not bad. In fact it can be really good. It helps us express ourselves, release our emotions, and set boundaries. But if not recognised and allowed to fester, anger can turn into rage and become out of control, and this is when we see it as bad.

The good news

The good news is that recognising and accepting these parts allows you to explore the aspects of yourself that have remained hidden for so long.

I now recognise in myself that when I feel resentment or frustration, it often stems from the fact that I feel I’ve not been heard, or even that I’ve not voiced something I needed to say. By recognising this I can take corrective action in some way and the resentment or frustration usually dissipates.

However, if I don’t say something, and don’t ensure I’m heard, my resentment and frustration grows, often leading to anger and, in the worst case scenario, an all out blow out. This is never a good thing!

We all have one

The other point to note is that every single person has a shadow side, and no matter how much you don’t want one, or won’t admit to it, it’s there. You cannot be human without both the light and the dark. In fact it’s healthy to have both sides within you. The trick is to admit and accept the parts you don’t like and recognise what they are trying to tell you when they make themselves known.

Fearing your shadow side or denying it is equally unhealthy. Tying yourself up in knots trying to pretend you don’t have this side of you will just increase it’s power. And then it will come out with a vengeance, probably when you least want it to.

Learning and growth

So just like the nettles and nightshade in my garden, learning to accept the shadow side of ourselves is really important. In fact, this side of us can provide the greatest learning and growth.

What I’ve found really helpful here is to stop and observe my feelings, and to question why I’m feeling like this - where did it come from? Be the observer, as they say. Act like your own therapist and ask yourself what is going on.

Ask yourself:

1. What am I feeling? (name the emotion)

2. Why am I feeling this way/where did it come from? (e.g. I felt judged when Rachel said…”)

3. Accept the feeling and then try looking at the scenario from a different angle - for instance, is it really true or are you exaggerating it? Are you taking offence to an innocent statement because it has triggered something else in you?

4. Journal your thoughts and feelings. This helps acknowledge them and get them out of your system

When I do this (and believe me I’ve done this many, many times!) it can be quite surprising just what comes out. Anger in particular is an interesting one because anger is a secondary emotion. There is always something else at the bottom of it - hurt or fear are common. And as soon as you recognise what it is, the emotion reduces somewhat. The heat is taken out of it. It may still require further work, such as more journalling, writing a letter and not sending it, talking about your emotions with another, doing some vigorous exercise, shouting at the Universe etc, but understanding where it started from is a huge step in reducing the emotion and acknowledging your shadow side.

It’s telling you something

This allows us to be true to ourselves and more whole. Denying it means we are shutting down a part of ourselves, and that is never a good thing. The emotion is literally trying to tell us something. It might be an area of need that is being denied or an emotion that needs airing and support.

And to be honest, we are not good or bad, we are simply everything. We are on a continuum where some days we might be closer to one end or the other depending what’s going on, but we are never just one or the other.

Accept the weeds

So, all that is to say it’s important to accept the weeds (your shadow side) in your garden. They are here to stay whether you like or not. You can fight it or accept it and take satisfaction when you have the weeds at a minimum and life is flowing nicely.

And in actual fact weeds have their benefits from time to time.

Nettle tea anyone?

Kàren