Am I enough?
As I continue my pause, now moving into the third month of it, I’m starting to delve into the deeper aspects of myself.
I’ve worked hard to let go of attachments to things, people, places and finances but it would be fair to say they are all still a work in progress. Who knew it was so hard to let these things go? So much of our identity is wrapped up in the job we do, how much we earn, where we live, what we do in our downtime and the company we keep. I know we are all somewhat aware of all this - we are not blind or oblivious to this - but when it comes to ACTUALLY letting it all go, I have found that it’s harder than you imagine.
When EVERYTHING in your life has fallen apart or fallen away, as it has in my case, having faith that it will be alright eventually is hard. There are so many what’s, if’s and but’s, not to mention all the should’s. Scrambling for some stability and purpose has been tricky.
The big questions
There have been big questions about the way forward for me. Should I continue on with my business? Do I have the energy and stamina for it, even though I love it? Do people want what I have to offer? Is it the wrong time to be offering this? Should I refocus and head in another direction? What is my purpose? What do I really want in my life? Who do I want to be around?
All my dreams have been derailed - are they no longer valid? Were they too grand, too ambitious? Simply unachievable, no matter what?
Am I worthy? Am I enough?
My whole life I’ve been in my element when I’ve been supporting people. Now the big questions of “am I worthy?” or “am I enough?” have been rearing their heads. I’ve found it’s easy to feel enough when I’m financially secure, doing well at work, and surrounded by stable, loving relationships. It’s another thing to feel worthy when all that is removed. It takes great courage and bravery to face these things and really look at oneself when the stakes are down. I’ve found it also takes even more courage to give myself the time and space to do so. It would be so easy to let the fear overwhelm me, and to jump back into things, picking up where I left off but not really learning anything along the way.
What does being enough mean?
As I went for a long walk yesterday I pondered the worthiness question. What does being worthy mean to me? What does it mean to feel enough? Interestingly I found those questions quite hard to answer so I had to look at it from another perspective. I had already spent the morning identifying my strengths and weaknesses, and I’m also very familiar with my values, so I looked at what I valued in others - what made them worthy in my eyes.
It wasn’t their job, their status at work, where they lived, or what their income was. It wasn’t their friends, what we did together or even how often we were in each others company. What made them worthy for me was how they made me feel.
It was how they listened without judgement, and validated what I was saying. How they acknowledged and accepted me for who I was, no matter what was going on in my life. It was the support they provided - whether it was a listening ear, a supportive hug, an invitation out, a message to let me know they were thinking of me.
And it was also the respect they showed me - always. They respect my thoughts and opinions, my judgement and my wishes. It doesn’t mean to say they agree with me, but none of us mind that because we know that whatever thoughts and opinions we have are based on our own, unique lived experience, and it will be different for everyone.
What I didn’t value in myself
When I reflected this back on myself, I realised these are all qualities I hold but haven’t valued in myself. To realise I value all this in other people but not in myself was a bit of an eye-opener. Why do I feel unworthy when I value the exact same things in other people? Is it because those around me haven’t valued these qualities, or played them down as less important than earning a certain figure or having a particular job?
I believe it’s got a lot to do with society. Success in this day and age is based on material things. But, as I read the other day, when you have passed on from this life, it’s not what you had or the money you earned that people remember - it’s how you made them feel.
Reframing it
When I reframe worthiness and feeling enough in this way, it changes things. Just as I realised being the calm, quiet person is what drew people to me, and that I didn’t have to be an outgoing, charismatic, extroverted life of the party, I now realise I don’t have to strive to be enough. Because I already am. What I have to offer is actually valuable. It may not have a monetary attachment or some other form of status, but those are just things created by the human race, and to be honest, they’ve probably held us back more than they’ve helped us.
Spiritual people always say “you are enough, just as you are” and I’ve always listened and understood to a certain level, but not really heard it deep within. I haven’t taken it onboard - until now. And now that I know that what I have to offer is valuable and is worthy, it takes the pressure off. I can just be me, because now I know that what I have to offer is so important, and it’s what I value most in others.
No more striving
I don’t need to strive to be something I’m not, which I think is what I’ve been doing my whole life. If I just relax and let myself shine in my own unique way, I suspect life will flow with more ease and grace.
This will take a bit of work on my part. It takes quite a lot of adjustment to change over 50 years of thinking in a particular way, or believing that you are not quite enough, but I think the effort will be worth it. The desire is certainly there.
You are enough
For a long time I didn’t realise I wasn’t feeling worthy. I guess that’s what this pause is all about. It’s about finding me, valuing who I am and knowing I am enough. It’s taken me such a long while to get there, but I’m on the way and I feel better for it.
I hope you know you are enough as well - just as you are and in your own unique way. 💜
Karen
