Where is my Second Spring and why is it taking so long?!

The menopause journey can be long and tedious.

I found my notes that I took to the Doctor back in 2010 because I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My hair was falling out, my breasts were incredibly tender and increasing in size. I was putting on weight even though my diet and exercise regime hadn’t changed one jot.

So I was off to the Doctor to find out what was going on.

The journey of Doctors

I went to a gynaecologist (male) who laughed at all my notes and then promptly told me I had Polycystic Ovaries. I went to my GP (male) who told me I had hypothyroidism and put me on Synthroid.

I then went to a functional GP (female) who specialised in women’s issues. She suggested I had perimenopause (I didn’t have a clue what that was at that time) and started helping me to manage my symptoms. I did indeed have PCOS and hypothyroidism but she listened to all my other symptoms as well and realised what was going on.

She told me I was a “complex case” and it took some time, lots of blood tests and constantly adjusting my medication (HRT) before we got things back into balance.

That was years ago

But that all started 13 years ago. Supposedly perimenopause can take “up to 10 years”. Clearly I’m pushing the boat out! Doctors look quite startled when I tell them I’m still getting periods at 55. It’s unnerving to see the shock on their faces.

My mother didn’t go through menopause until she was 60. Perhaps I’m about to fall into the same boat. My sister, though, is well into her transition and hasn’t had a period in quite a while. Research shows there’s no correlation between what your mother went through and what you will go though, so who knows when I’ll finally go through menopause.

There is good news

The good news is that I feel like some of my energy has come back. I’m not as fatigued as I was. My brain is clearer and I can think more clearly again (although it fails me from time to time still).

I’m obviously coming out the other side of those symptoms and was starting to think perhaps things were settling down and it’s just a matter of time before my periods stopped.

Sideswiped yet again

But then I get sideswiped by emotional overwhelm, when the world just seems to come crashing down and my ability to cope goes out the window. It seems to happen after my period now - usually about day 5 or 6. So it’s post my bleed that I now get the worst symptoms.

I go into myself, retreat, want to move away from people, get frustrated with everything and everyone and fall into a pit of despair and hopelessness as I try and grapple with everything and see a clear way forward.

I know I’m catastrophising but I can’t seem to help it. It’s like I have to just sit with those feelings and let those emotions (and hormones) run through me. There is a lot of crying. And I’m not very nice to be around.

This is the menopause journey

But that’s the way of the menopause journey. It’s on again/off again, start/stop, forwards and backwards. There is no steady progression from this, to this, to that. It’s a journey of chopping and changing, inwards and outwards.

We can jump from regular periods, to irregular periods, back to regular and then periods turning up fortnightly before going back to regular. We can have a time of emotional upheaval where we are all over the place, then fall back into a calmer place before being hit with more emotional upheaval again.

We can be in the grip of brain fog for years and then suddenly have it lift, giving us clarity again (finally). We breathe a sigh of relief, but then get blindsided when it comes back with a vengeance and all that confidence we had carefully and preciously built up suddenly flies out the window.

It’s all about the healing

There is much healing that needs to take place on this journey. This is a time when all those emotional wounds come to the forefront for healing. The hurts, betrayals, resentments, frustrations, fears, losses - it ALL comes up.

And we need to face each one of them as part of the process so that we can step into our Second Spring wiser, clearer - rebirthed into our new selves having shed the wounds of the past.

It’s not easy - oh, no, no, no. It is hard work, this journey. None of us really want to face our fears, or our wounds, because it’s scary and it hurts. It’s horrible and ugly. And we have a role to play in all of it but don’t necessarily want to admit or accept the part we played.

But we can get through it. We can learn and grow from these trials and tribulations. We need to accept, though, that this is part of the journey.

It’s more than just physical

The menopause journey is not just the physical. It’s also about the mental, emotional and spiritual journey of change as well. Just like a strong and beautiful tree, to be rebirthed into our Second Spring we need to have shed all the old leaves of the past, so that beautiful new, fresh green leaves of opportunity can open up in our future.

So if, like me, you find yourself bouncing backwards and forwards with emotions and mental strife as well as physical symptoms, take heart in knowing that you are shedding the old leaves of the past (even the stubborn ones that don’t want to go) and making way for the fresh new leaves of the future.

There is no time frame for it. There is no schedule and no one way to manage it. We will each experience something different, because we’ve all experienced different things in our lives.

Accept, acknowledge, allow and relax

Accepting that things will chop and change and that, more than likely, it won’t be a smooth transition is key. Fighting the changes just seems to make symptoms worse because it puts added stress on your body.

Accept, acknowledge, allow and relax seems to be the best way forward.

You will get through it. I will get through it. We all get there eventually and come out stronger, wiser, and with a new sense of purpose.

Hold the vision for your future self. It is on the way.

Karen