Most of you are probably aware that I’m in the middle of a ‘pause’. It’s a time of reflection for me, but mostly a time of rest and recovery. I thought I was good at resting and relaxing. I seem to do exceptionally well at it when I’m on holiday. I have no problem stopping and just sitting and reading a book all day, or sleeping late and having a lazy morning. I have no problem eating lunch at 3.00 pm or spending hours sitting on a beach - just being, listening and observing. So it has come as quite a surprise to me just how difficult I’ve found this ‘pause’.

This is not a holiday

To be fair, this ‘pause’ is different. It’s not a holiday. It doesn’t have a start and finish date. I’m not in my usual holiday location. I’m not surrounded by family, and it’s not over some typical holiday break like Easter or Christmas.

This ‘pause’ is because I’m listening to my body and I’m listening to my soul. It has come about because I’ve had six years of constant upheaval and change, along with multiple challenges along the way. Life has been emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually challenging - sometimes all at the same time. Throw peri-menopause into the mix on top of all that and my body is now telling me it’s time to stop, to rest and recover. However it’s surprisingly hard to do this.

What were the signs?

I’ve always got through the challenges one way or another and carried on but I finally realised that wasn’t the best thing to do. The build up and strain has been showing themselves as immense frustration at everyone and everything, physical ailments and niggles that just go on and on, deep fatigue, and a lack of happiness in myself and in my everyday life.

Although I can keep it together around people (mostly), our cats are the things that really drive me over the edge. To walk in the front door and smell cat pee (on the couch, no less - even though they have a cat flap AND kitty litter available to them) does not endear them to me. Neither does the cat vomit on the floor, the scratching of my once beautiful furniture, and the yowling for attention before I’m even out of the car.

Significant changes

This change in feeling is significant for me. For a number of years I wanted to be a vet because I loved animals so much. So reflecting on my current reaction to pets of any kind (just don’t want them, thank you very much!) is just one indicator that all is not well in my world. And that is something to pay attention to.

The frustration with the perceived neediness of both people and animals around me, and my inability to deal with this in my usual calm, caring and nurturing way have been indicators that I need to nurture myself more. To stop giving to others for a while, and spend time giving to me. Hence the ‘pause’ and the relocation to the country for an indefinite period of time.

I thought I would carry on with small parts of work, keep things ticking over, and that I would continue to participate in various things. But, through talking to my own coach, it became clear that what I really needed was to completely stop and recharge. So that’s what I’m doing.

And then it hit

And when I stopped, I suddenly realised how completely overwhelmed I’ve been - for years. Then the fatigue hit. My usual daily walks and yoga have stopped. I simply don’t have the energy to drag myself for a walk any more or to force myself through a usually much loved yoga session. I haven’t had the energy to paint, or even sketch. Audio books have been the go to because actually reading a book has been way too much effort. I knew I was struggling, I just didn’t know I was struggling that much. I hadn’t been listening to my body or my heart.

So I stopped.

The challenges

I know this is the right thing for me to do but the hard part in pausing is the guilt. I feel guilty that I’m not building my business, that I’m not attending networking meetings. I feel guilty that I’m not being productive in some way. I feel guilty that I’m not earning any money right now and am overly concerned that people are judging me and thinking I’m just lazy or weak. I feel guilty that I’m not keeping in contact with others and that I’m actually hiding away from life like a hermit.

I have to remind myself, and be reminded, that others haven’t walked my path. They haven’t experienced the things I’ve been through. Their journey has been different and therefore their views will be different because they haven’t experienced what I’ve experienced in the way I’ve experienced it.

Letting go of attachments during this pause is also challenging. Releasing my own expectations around success, income, security and how I’m viewed by others has been a real challenge and not one I was expecting. I’m still struggling with this on a daily basis and working hard to find my identity without all these entrapments.

Reflecting on relationships and where I’m co-dependent, recognising that new friendships need to be formed and some left behind, has also been difficult to surrender.

I’ve also discovered there are a lot of “should’s” that rattle through my brain. I should be building my business. I should be getting exercise. I should work on my website. I should make some muesli. I should meditate. I should try to have more fun. I should work on my shadow side. I should ring my mother.

A temporary stop

Taking a ‘pause’ means exactly that. Pause. Stop. I’ve been trying not to do any of the things I normally do and to let go of all the worries and the should’s. I’ve been focusing on being in the moment. Being present. Enjoying the sound of the birds and the crickets, watching the wind in the trees. Allowing my body to slowly but surely let go of the long built up tension and relax.

It has taken a month so far, and I’m just starting to get some energy back. I’ve noticed that I get worn out easily. A visit from my mother and sister had me falling asleep in the couch afterwards and still sleeping soundly that night. Spending an evening with relatives had the same affect, so I know that I still need to take it easy and let my batteries recharge.

The benefits

The benefits of a pause are just starting to reveal themselves. I’ve been reminded of the importance of art for my soul. I’ve just started painting again, which is brilliant and has lifted my mood immensely. The joy and pleasure I get from painting has been highlighted and at the moment, all I want to do when I have energy is to paint.

Having time and space to think, to contemplate, and to wonder has been helpful. It has allowed new thoughts and ideas or realisations to bubble up. There haven’t been interruptions of tasks to get in the way. I can simply sit, observe nature, and let thoughts bubble up. I can spend as long as I want writing or journalling. I can sleep the hours I need without worrying about what I need to do today or this week. I can please myself how I run my day and what I watch on TV. I can talk to people when I want to, or stay in total silence and solitude for days on end if I want to. I don’t have to make any concessions to anyone - I can simply give to me what I really need in each moment. I have time to listen to my heart and actually hear what she is saying, rather than deal with the cacophony of everyday noise that normally runs my life.

There is also immense gratitude for the time and space I’ve been provided to allow all this to happen. I couldn’t have taken this time without the support of others. Location plays a huge part in this. If I was sitting in the city, or at home, there are constant calls for attention - jobs to be done, people to see, appointments to go to. Removing myself from all of that has made a huge difference.

It’s slow work

There is still a way for me to go yet. Still much to uncover or rediscover while I’m in this ‘pause’ period. Now that I’m slowly being able to surrender what was, I can allow in what could be. It’s much harder and slower than I thought, but it is happening. It’s not something that can be rushed and it’s not something you can put a deadline on. I just have to let things slowly evolve.

Thank you to all those who have made this possible - you all know who you are. I deeply, deeply appreciate this time and space and know that I will come out of this introspective phase with a new perspective on life, with more energy and a renewed sense of purpose. 💜

Karen