It’s hard to recognise our own habits. We don’t see them and if we do we usually think we are perfectly justified in thinking/believing/acting the way we do. There is never anything wrong with us - it’s always the other person that’s in the wrong!

It often takes someone else to point out a habit or mannerism for us to become aware of it. It’s a bit like looking for yellow cars. You don’t see them until you start looking for them - then you see them everywhere!

If we are very astute and motivated there is a chance we will be able to identify our own habits and catch ourselves in the act, so to speak, and through that we will be able to make changes. But the majority of us need someone else to point out that what we are doing/thinking/saying is not helpful in some way and to help us change that.

Mindset

Mindset is a biggie here. So often we don’t believe we are good enough, worthy enough, expert enough. We get imposter syndrome, don’t want to expose ourselves and be vulnerable, and we can tend to talk to ourselves in a very unloving way - “who do I think I am to…?”, “things never work out for me”, “I’m too big for my boots thinking I’m better than I really am” etc etc.

When your habit affects others

It can also be that what we do is interpreted by someone else in a negative way that we are not even aware of. In actual fact, I’ve just recently had this pointed out to me. I make an “mmm-hmmm” noise when I’ve heard what someone is saying but don’t have an opinion on it yet. To me it’s an acknowledgement that I’ve heard what is being said but don’t yet have a suitable reply. To the other party it’s seen as dismissive. Interesting 🧐. Absolutely not what I intended so good to know. I now realise just how much I do this - those yellow cars are all over the place!

We need loving reminders

To change habits, and particularly mindset, we need someone on board who will lovingly remind us that our habit is not helpful and that we’ve actually chosen to change our habit. It might be family members reminding us to stop work by a certain time. It might be colleagues reminding us to speak up when we have something to say.

Often, though, what we really need is someone neutral. Having a family member remind us over and over again about a habit can simply become annoying (unless they are very neutral about it). We don’t like having our less than perfect qualities being pointed out, especially not by those closest to us! Feelings of anger and frustration can arise, defensiveness rears its head and it’s all too easy to lash out. You can turn to a good friend for support in this area, and this can work really well if you see them often and they are non-judgemental.

How long does it take to change habit?

There are a number of different thoughts on how long it takes to break a habit. Back in 1950 Dr Maxwell Maltz identified that it takes “a minimum of 21 days for an old mental image to dissolve and a new one to gel”. The important word in that quote is minimum. In a study by Phillippa Lally, health psychology researcher at University College London, she discovered that forming a new habit varies widely depending on multiple factors (behaviour, the person, circumstances). The study identified that it took anywhere from 18-254 days for people to form a new habit. That’s a huge variation. The average, though, tends to be 66 days for a new habit to form. So you can expect it to take at least 2 months and as much as 8 months to change your habits.

I have to admit, that’s a lot longer than I thought but it’s actually great to know this because we don’t need to beat ourselves up if we haven’t formed a habit within the 21-30 days that everyone says we should. And the study also found that making a mistake or slipping every now and then had no impact on the long term - also good to know! We can actually give ourselves a bit of a break when we fall back into old patterns every now and then.

Get support

If you are really keen to make changes in your life then I would, of course, absolutely recommend a life coach, therapist or counsellor. Why? Because they are trained to ask those deep questions that we typically avoid but may be at the core of the habit that needs changing. We also hold our clients accountable (in a loving way of course!) so that the excuses that flow out of our mouths as to why we’ve continued with a habit can be investigated more deeply so we can get to the crux of what is holding you back.

Often it can be mindset or beliefs that we are holding on to rather than anything really tangible, but it can be really tough to change our mindset or beliefs on our own. Having someone to support, encourage and reflect back to you can show you just how far you have come in achieving your goal of changing your habit. And believe me, sometimes you really need to hear that! It can be so difficult muddling along on your own, trying to change but feeling like it’s a lost cause and you’ll never be able to do it. Having someone on your side who is neutral and not affected by your habits every day (i.e. they don’t live with you) can be so beneficial. When we are on the inside, we can’t see the wood for the trees. Someone looking in from the outside can often see things that we simply can’t. We get a different perspective and then can look at things in a new way.

Of course, not all habits require a coach to help you change, but if you find yourself wanting to change and not knowing how, or wanting to break a habit that you’ve tried unsuccessfully to break before, then consider getting a coach, therapist or counsellor to help you on your way. They can be so incredibly helpful to break through your own barriers.

Karen