Can you have a happy menopause?
We hear so much about the awful and difficult aspects of perimenopause and menopause, you may be wondering if it’s possible to have an easy, carefree time of it?
20% of women sail through the menopause journey with only minor issues, and 60% of women have mild to moderate symptoms and issues. The other 20% unfortunately have a really tough time. In other words, the majority of us will be experiencing something!
Given that’s the case, there are some things we can do to stay positive and ease the journey somewhat.
Our narrative
Research has indicated that the way we think of menopause and how we expect it to be has a significant impact on our experience of menopause.
If you think of menopause as the beginning of the end, and that you are no longer important, worthy or beautiful because you are '“past your use by date” then you will more than likely have a tougher time of it.
If you think of menopause as another important developmental stage in your life as you move into your wise women years, as some cultures do, and that it is to be welcomed and revered, you are more likely to have an easier time of it.
In a study by Griffith University in Queensland, Australia, looking at stress, psychological distress, psychosocial factors, menopause symptoms and physical health in women, they found that women who expect menopause to be negative or were highly stressed or distressed were more likely to have a negative menopause experience.
In her TEDx talk, Patricia Katz indicated it was common to feel a dip in happiness around midlife in the face of unmet expectations and the grind of daily life. She also felt this is a time in life to ask the question “How do you want to be as you grow old?”
Our reactions to life so far
Katz felt there were three ways to answer and react to the above this question.
The first was one of resignation. The feeling that this was simply your lot, it was never going to get better, and you just need to put up with it and live out the rest of your life.
The second was one of detonation, and by this she means blowing things up. This is when women make radical changes, blowing up relationships, careers, and making major midlife changes. In her view this often destroyed the good as well as the bad, but sometimes major change is required in our lives and we need to release what is no longer serving us to allow more goodness to come in.
The third possibility was one of exploration. She described it as “trying to kindle a flame for what comes next”. It’s about finding out what you are curious about, what intrigues you and what calls to you.
Our regrets
Regrets can be a difficult thing. They keep us looking back rather than looking forward, and lamenting what can’t be changed. I know I find it hard to let go of regrets, and I also know I’m not alone in that.
Bronnie Ware was a palliative care nurse in Australia and wrote a best selling book “Top Five Regrets of the Dying”. Those regrets, ranked in order were:
“I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
“I wish I hadn't worked so hard.”
“I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.”
“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
“I wish I had let myself be happier”
Our life course
Our life course also affects our experience of menopause. Those who have had highly stressful or traumatic lives tend to have a more difficult time in menopause.
Unless these traumas and stresses are properly dealt with and healed or reduced, they take their toll on our body. They may show up as a range of symptoms including inflammation, chronic high cortisol levels, vasomotor symptoms (hot flushes and night sweats), sleep issues, chronic fatigue, panic attacks and physical symptoms (for instance allergies, exzema, disease etc).
Menopause is a time when any unhealed wounds or trauma’s reveal themselves to us again, and in my opinion this is to allow us to heal those wounds and trauma’s so we aren’t carrying them forward into our next life phase.
Now what?
So, I’ve talked about the importance of your narrative and how having a positive view of menopause and the changes taking place, moving you into the wise woman years, are so important.
I’ve also mentioned three different ways you may react to the question of “how do you want to be as you grow old” - resignation, detonation or exploration.
I’ve discussed regrets and highlighted the five top regrets of the dying so that you can take note of those now and live a life that reduces or even eliminates those regrets.
And I’ve also discussed your life course and how the trauma’s, tragedy’s and stresses of your life can affect your experience of menopause, particularly if they are not carefully worked through in order to allow healing.
Now that you understand what can affect your experience of menopause, let’s look at the ways you can flip that around to have a happy experience (or at least as easy as possible!).
What can you do to have a happy menopause?
Here are some suggestions on what you can do to have a happy menopause.
The North American Menopause Society suggest that you:
Watch your thoughts - the absence of positive thoughts has a far greater impact than the presence of negative thoughts.
Laugh - this moves us into a positive mindset, stimulates our immune system, enhances learning and memory and helps us cope better with life stressors. It also brings us closer to people.
Make time for yourself - the acts of self care such as eating well, exercising, and relaxing moves you out of the stress response.
Stay connected - social support is key to health and can help you to live longer.
Stay in the moment - be present as it stops you worrying about the future or dwelling on the past
Patricia Katz suggests you pay attention to what engages you, what lifts you and fills you up, but also identify what drains your energy or drags you down. She also says:
When you increase your excitement and contentment in one area of your life, it benefits other areas as well.
Here are some further suggestions:
Courageously live more true to yourself - so that you are not living a life that others expect of you, only to regret this at the end of your days.
Find balance in your life - knowing that what is balance for you would be different for someone else. Have the courage to do things your way and find your own form of balance.
Express your feelings rather than bottling them up - sometimes it’s good to be angry and let our frustrations out, and it’s healthy to release grief so we can move on.
Connection - is shown to be one of the key aspects of living a long and vibrant life, so why not have some fun and bring your friends along for the ride? It’s also very healthy to express joy, and celebrate our achievements and it’s even better when we do this through connecting with friends.
Find your true happiness and allow yourself to indulge in it - creativity in all it’s forms, connection with others, celebrations of success, working towards small but meaningful goals - all these often lead to the most wonderful, happy times, and that is definitely what we are aiming for here!
And just know that research conducted by the Social Issues Research Centre in Oxford found that post menopausal women are happier, healthier and have better sex lives than when they were younger - something to look forward to!!
Kàren